Hate Me
by Basser
Summary: And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.


Found in the recesses of my computer... I felt a need to finish it since it was actually kind of okay.. Inspired by the _incredibly_ emo song "Hate Me" by Blue October. Not a particularly good song, and not one I particularly enjoy. However, seeing as it plays a lot on the station I listen to, I end up hearing it. And every time I hear it I think, for some deranged reason, of Detective Conan.

... And hopefully no one outside of ffnet will ever know that.

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**_Hate Me_ _- Blue October  
_**

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry, and held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling_  
"_Make it go away!  
- Just make a smile come back and shine  
Just like it used to be!"  
And then she whispered-_

"How can you do this to me?" He could hear the tears in her voice. He would have known she was crying even without the clue. It wouldn't take a physic to guess her thoughts. "Shinichi- How can you say that? You're not… You're not coming home? What about… You said to wait! You told me! You told me you'd come! You- You…"

She broke down, sobbing openly into the receiver. He fought down his own emotions, trying in vain to keep up a calm demeanour. It wouldn't do for both of them to start bawling their heads off. There were things she needed to understand. Crying could come later.

"Look, Ran.. I know this sounds… Sounds like I don't want to come home-" He started. An angry, choking sound from the other end of the line cut him off.

"No! You don't! You stupid bastard! Even after all we've been through… Damn it, Shinichi! This isn't just a case anymore, is it? Why can't you just tell me the truth?" Her anger subsided for the moment, a dry hiccough of spent tears blurring her voice. "Shinichi, I- I never got to tell you… I love-"

"Ran." He closed his eyes and winced against the whispered end of her sentence. _Damn it…_

_And will you never say that you love me,  
Just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me,  
It is I that wanted space._

Her crying echoed through the payphone. He carefully schooled his face into as blank an expression as he could make. This was probably the worst phone call he would ever make in his life.

"God… Damn it. Ran, look. I- This isn't easy-" He tried once more to break his news to her gently. The strategy didn't seem to be working.

"Shinichi…" His sharp remark over her heartfelt sentence hadn't yet given her words. He supposed he should be grateful for the relative silence. Though the feelings required to make it happen weren't particularly appealing.

She whispered something that he didn't catch. Didn't _want_ to catch. Suddenly, his careful expression cracked. He slammed a fist into the wall beside him, earning what would surely prove to be a very painful bruise once he'd had the time to care.

"Damn it, Ran! I'm dying!"

That certainly stopped her in her tracks. A sharp intake of breath was her only answer for some minutes.. Then "Wha… What?"

"I'm dying, Ran. Frankly, I should already be dead. I'm poisoned. And the people that poisoned me are still out for the kill. All those times I came back to you were to both our risk. Hell, even this damn _phone call_ is a risk! Don't you understand? I thought there might be a cure but there isn't. I'm not coming back." His voice dropped into a mere hiss as he fought savagely with the tears threatening to overwhelm him. It was vital that he get the last part. If she died for him… There was no way he'd be able to live with himself.

"Shin-"

"No! Listen, Ran. Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm tired-" He choked slightly, but managed to keep his voice; the quaking, slightly hysteric voice it had become. The small and clammy hand holding a battered bowtie to his lips began to shake. He could only hope it wouldn't give his voice a strange vibrato to her ear. "I'm tired of making you cry. None of this is your fault, do you understand?"

"Shinichi- That day at Tropical Land! That wasn't-"

"No! Stop it, Ran! It is not. Your. Fault." Her muffled sobs of protest didn't seem to indicate she agreed with him. Fuck damn it. "Listen, I want you to promise me you'll find someone."

"How can I promise that!? I'm not going to go and-" She started indignantly, a poor façade' over her true emotions.

"You can promise it, and you will. You were too good for me. There's a lucky guy out there who'll do everything for you that I never did. Please, do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind…" Forgetful of the cold ground, he sank to his knees. The payphone hung cold and icy above his head, its receiver was a lifeline to the last good thing in his life. "Please…"

"I- I can't! Shinichi, how can you possibly ask me to-"

"Because there's nothing I _can_ do! Ran, don't you get it yet!? I'm _dead._ There's _nothing_ for you to wait for anymore! I let you down!" He was yelling as much at her as at himself. The fact he'd still remembered to speak through his voice changer was a miracle. "Just… Leave me. Hate me. Please. I don't want to die knowing I left you alone."

Her silence on the other end would have made him think she'd hung up. Any other time, maybe, he'd have called it done and broken down right there in the snow. But he could still sense her- still _hear_ her, whether or not she made sound. And after what seemed an eternity, she finally spoke. A whisper so soft he barely knew if it was real.

"Shinichi… I love you."

The brick wall felt interminably cold beneath his forehead. His whole body seemed to be numbing from the effects of the cold winter around him. (Was it the snow, then, that left this frozen pit in his stomach?)

"I love you too, Ran."

And the receiver finally did click; the warmth the wire had carried snuffed as suddenly as any candle, and the line became once more as cold and vacant as he felt. That was it, then. He was dead. Torn from every bond he had known.

The boy who had once been Shinichi stood shakily on legs far too thin for his age- for _either_ of his ages- and tried in vain to tear his eyes away from the last payphone he would hear her speak from. His hand throbbed where it hung limply next to him; it seemed the only feeling he could muster from an otherwise frozen body. Pain. And somehow, darkly, it felt right. He had just ruined the life of the one person he hoped never to harm. A little pain seemed a paltry penalty for such sins.

--

"_If I die? Then there's nothing to be done, Kudo. You'll die. She'll cry, she'll recover. She might even hate you. And frankly; if you knew what was good for her, you'd have died a long time ago."_

The last words of an auburn-haired girl echoed through his head. The last question he would ever ask her… Ironically the last she would answer… In a way far more poignant than words.

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_Hope that cheered you up.  
_

_Yeah.. But really. Sometimes it's just fun to write an emo songfic when you're feeling a little down. And damn, but Shinichi is so torture-able.. ;)_

_Reviewing is nice._


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